Obsessive Compulsive Behavior

My favorite OCD trait is the "Rejection" game.
As I said repeatedly, my mother never loved me. She rejected me any chance she got. She was always busy with her vain ambitions. She pushed me aside any chance she got. She rejected any need of love and nurturing I ever had, calling it "bad behavior" and teaching me that "needy" people are not worth loving. This was a core belief that my mother instilled in me ever since I was a baby. "Never show feelings", "People with feelings are weak", "Feelings are disgusting" are some of her favorite sayings, that I adopted as my own.
She abandoned me with strangers. She allowed her pedophile, ex con, felon brother to babysit for me. She allowed my father to rape me at night, with the attitude: "better you than me". Than she would say nervously: "Every mother in the world loves her child", the conclusion to be drawn being: "Therefore, I, being your mother, love you". But her behavior towards me said otherwise. She was never there when I needed her. She always kept herself busy with some scheme that involved money, with the goal of filling whatever void there was in her soul.
She also complained a lot that I don't love her and I don't tell her my intimate secrets and that I don't trust her and that I'd rather trust strangers than her. -Strangers have always been kinder to me than her.- I never lied to her. She lied to me. I craved her attention, but she thought my behavior was bad and my ideas stupid. She criticized everything that I did as inappropriate or ridiculous. Than she would complain that I wouldn't share my intimate thoughts with her. See how this can be confusing for a child? She read my diary in hopes to discover dirty secrets. She was afraid that I was gonna tell the world the truth about our dysfunctional "family".
I try to make female friends and I overdo it. I buy expensive gifts, I try to impress them in a desperate attempt to show them how wonderful I am. I want them to be my mommy. Only most people find this behavior creepy. They soon are reluctant to be my friend, because they think I may have an ulterior motive to treat them so. So they REJECT me. They reinforce the idea that I am not worth loving. They do what my mother did, reinforcing the belief that I'm not worth being loved by any female. Actually, I know I do this to myself. I reinforce the rejection belief to show myself that mommy was right: feelings are bad. I know I don't need a mommy. I am a grown woman who can take care of herself, yet I try to make any girl that shows me signs of friendship, into a mommy, hoping to get unconditional love, support, appreciation. I keep doing this to myself, even though I know it's a destructive pattern.