Car Accident

I've been in a car accident and I'll call it a reaffirmation of life. Through my depression I've never been suicidal. If anything, I feel guilty for having survived and wanting to survive. I knew I was depressed because I simply stopped wishing for things. I stopped desiring, wanting, asking, being jealous about things. I would ask myself why did I want to live that badly: the world sucks! There is pain every day and everywhere you look. Eventually I realized that among all this pain, there is beauty. The more pain, actually, the more beauty there is. People are imperfect, but so beautiful. There is beauty everywhere. I remember snorkeling in the Maldives: I witnessed the greatness of God's creation (I am not a religious person, nor do I bother to define myself as an atheist).
However, I often think about death, trying to pick a good way to die, because I am firmly convinced that we choose everything in life, from the way we are born to the way we die. Sometimes these choices are unconscious and a mere consequence of the erosion that heavy feelings create through our psyche. I will describe heavy feelings: guilt, shame, love. I can't settle for any kind of death. Not even a dignified one. I wonder what would really be worth dying for? An idea? Like Socrates or Galileo Galilei chose to die for? Could I do the same? Or would I cowardly change my mind at the last moment? And if I'd ever be so ready to die for an idea, what kind of an idea would it be? Would it benefit humanity, or just myself? Would I be great enough to share my knowledge with others?
Back to my car accident: It gave me a motivation to get angry and get things done. Anger is a delightful force of nature. Everyday, I didn't have time to look and second guess the future, cause I had to deal with some unpleasant aspect of this car accident. Through it all, I just see reaffirmation of life, something to do, to be angry about, to talk about, to connect to other humans about.