Looking Back

Looking back at my childhood, I realize I got gypped. Childhood is the only moment in your life when ignorance is chief and is accepted as a source of absolute happiness. The child explores the universe with honest candor and without negative intentions (aka anger). I was forced to learn. My ignorance was taken advantage of. I didn't know anything about human sexuality, but I was forced to learn. Therefore, I associated learning with pain. I never had the pure bliss of ignorance and that's where I got gypped. As an adult, it's too late to claim my ignorance: I know too much about the world, I'm too afraid to explore, I'm too old to be brave. Knowledge is pain. Ignorance is bliss.
This state of things is far from being fare, but it's my lot in life. I wonder what should I do with this lot?
The hardest part of my childhood being taken away from me is that I never accepted my vulnerability. To this day I find it difficult and have to rationalize my need of giving love to others. To this day I follow the pattern of giving my heart unconditionally, before asking anything in return, before learning about the person I give my heart to. It's like I'm inviting people to abuse me: "I will love you now, if you'll love me later". In my own way, I'm mimicking the ignorance of a child, hoping that this time, the outcome would be a happy one and settle down the conflicts in my heart. I should be the adult. I should grow up and take the necessary precautions, and learn the necessary socially accepted behaviors when it comes to giving. It's time for me to accept I was wrong. It's time for me to accept I got gypped. It's time for me to accept I was the fool. It's time for me to accept the humiliation. It's time for me to cry for my dead childhood. It's time for me to move on.
I should learn that the love and respect from others doesn't ever come unconditionally, but I must work for it. Giving mine so they'll give me theirs can't work. I should find what I'm good at and do that. I should find my purpose in life and follow that thread until I won't need to beg for love and attention, but it shall be given to me.