the pattern

I am a creature of habit. I love patterns. Never got an addiction because I actually already have my bad habits instilled in my DNA. When will my soul clear?
A depressive, fearful, rejection filled period is always ended with a bang, or a shocking event, to snap me out of my fear and back into survival mode, where I can defend myself with old tools. This time around I realize that my old tools are rusty and they don't work anymore, on the contrary, the more I try to use them the more they poison my life. I refuse to dissociate. I refuse to go back to amnesia. I refuse to forget about my inner child in order to cope with adult life.
May God help me be patient this time around! I don't want to put myself in danger anymore. This time I will learn new skills. I don't care how much it hurts, I don't care how long it takes. I won't go back to survival mode. I'll stick with the fear. I'll stick with the insecurity. I'll make the best of it. I'll be lonely for a while, but one day, the fog will dissipate and I'll be able to see clearly again. Maybe all I'm missing is a spiritual side. Maybe it's time to turn to God and make that leap of faith. Or maybe it's time for comedy. It is hilarious how detached I feel, how I don't have a core, how lost I am and noncommittal. I can't commit to anything, not even a damn addiction. I fight my urge to drink coffee desperate to control some aspect of my inner life. I talk crazy. I either enrage, or piss off people right off the bat. I'm either highly inappropriate, or bitterly sarcastic, which to me sounds simply hilarious. Too bad it's not funny to other people. People enjoy hating me, or simply making me invisible. I'm no charmer. I think I would be good material for a stalker, if only it wasn't that uncomfortable to sleep in the bushes.
This time around, I won't try to end my fear, my pain. I'll keep it and nurse it until it goes away. I'm not in danger anymore. I'll live with this awkward, hateble new me, until other people will accept me too. Thing is: I don't even care about being social anymore. It always ends with me either insulting someone, or creating some sort of freeze that could alienate even Mother Theresa.