Authority and Respect

I treat authority one of two ways: complete submission, or hateful envy. There is no middle ground. It's either: "I succumb to you, oh powerful one; do what you wish with me!" or "You've got to be evil to be this successful, I hate you and I really want to be you!". Neither of these situations brings any solace to my already very conflicted soul.
My treating authority in these extreme perspectives comes from the abuse, of course.
My father started abusing me when I was 3 years old. He got me out of kindergarden early one day. He took me home and with a fake sweet voice that I had never heard before, asked me about my day and more specifically: what games did I play in class. I was so excited that, finally, this all mighty man was giving me some attention, that I involved every mental muscle I possessed at the time, to explain a game we played, called: Guess the taste. The game involved a blindfold, and guessing a few distinct foods: an apple, salt, sugar and bread. My father blindfolded me and made me taste something completely new and different, that I couldn't guess what it was, but it smelled bad. I started crying. I was scared. I sensed that the game my father was playing was a lot more dangerous than I had expected. My father told me I was dumb, cause I couldn't guess what he had put in my mouth. And I felt dumb: I felt dumb for not foreseeing that he was going to humiliate me. I felt dumb and upset at myself, for not standing up to him. That was the very first time I knew I couldn't trust my Father. That was the very first time my soul was overwhelmed by sadness.
My father was the supreme authority in our household. He made sure we knew this while he was drunk and violent. He taught me fear. He taught me doubt. I felt completely helpless. As an adult, I am duplicating that experience in the way I treat authority at work and elsewhere.
There were times when I got angry at my father. I rebelled. I hated him and wished him dead. That translates in the other way I perceive authority: hate and anger.
I wish I had the experience where I could learn to respect authority, without feeling threatened, without sexualizing the whole thing. I wish I was more secure, and grounded, have one center that I know is truthful and it's me at the same time. I wish I could have this center as a point of reference when I judge authority and evaluate it, without diminishing myself, or without snapping with anger.