Catching up with myself

I have been avoiding finding new memories about my abuse for a long time. I know I must heal before I move on with my life. I call it "catching up with myself". I need to go through all of it, until there's no bad left over feeling from that abuse.
I realized that if I wake up with an alarm clock, abruptly, I feel angry and direct my anger towards my father or uncle, in the shape of revenge fantasies. Sometimes I even take it on my mother, the silent partner. Waking up abruptly makes me angry. So I avoided waking up abruptly for a while. My sleep patterns are all over the place, as a result. Thank God I can afford that!
When memories come up to my conscious mind, they bring up all sorts of feelings, even good ones. I'm learning to accept them, to categorize them. I'm learning about myself. It turns out, I'm a fascinatingly complicated person. I can't even describe myself in one seating. There's so much about me, so many details, so much strength about certain aspects of my life, so much frailty about certain other aspects. I wonder what I would have been like if the abuse never happened to me. I wonder if there is a parallel universe, in which I am perfect. I wonder where my inner strength and dignity would have taken me, if I didn't have to use it all on defending myself, tragically being left without defense at the will of the elements, by the age of 29. Would I have been a mother? Would I have been a doctor, like I always dreamed, although the sight of blood makes me weak in the knees? I wonder what I could be if I heal. How can I better distribute my left over energies? How can I better take care of myself and forward my life at the same time? How can I integrate the abused child in my future self?