Shame

I was between 8 and 11 years old, when I reenacted some of the sexual abuse done onto me by both father and uncle.
I was on my summer vacation, at Grandma's and asked all the other little girls that we all pee in a circle, so that I could see their private parts and compare them to mine. I knew mine was broken and wondered if it was different than other little girl's parts. I also took my cousin to the lake and touched her down there to find out if she was different than me. She was. I could put fingers inside me, I couldn't put fingers inside her. I also showed my private parts to 2 little boys, hoping I could share my secret with them. They laughed at me. Their reaction got me very upset, cause father and uncle had told me, that's all boys want: to touch girls down there. It wasn't true. Both my father and uncle were liars.
One of the little boys saw how upset I was and held tight the other boy, for me to punch. I hit him with anger only to notice that hurting him wasn't satisfying at all. I really wanted to hurt father and uncle, not that little boy who simply didn't know any better than laugh at a little girl's private parts. That was a normal reaction at his age. Only I had trouble recognizing normal. Later that day, the boy's grandma came with him to our door and I had to apologize for the harm done mainly to his face. I felt ashamed when I saw the bruises.
I met that boy again when I was about 15 years old and I held his hand and we caressed each other, and kissed, but I think he was still afraid of me. I also met some of the little girls when they were teens and totally alienated from me.
I left that country behind in shame. I carried the shame of father and uncle on my shoulders, without having the chance of explaining to those little girls, that I wasn't trying to hurt them, I just wanted to know how different I was after the harm done to me. I never meant to hurt that little boy either, I merely wanted to know if all boys were like father and uncle.
Ultimately, I was ashamed of the fact that I let father and uncle take advantage of me. I was ashamed of the fact that I couldn't defend myself, that I had no power. I imagined that other kids must have been smarter and stronger than me because they didn't let their father and uncle take advantage of them. I thought I was a failure and I was ashamed of that.