worth

She said: "It boils down to: you have a right to exist!"...
Then, she continued to enumerate ways in which I should love myself every day. She told me I should take care of myself, be attentive to my needs and concluded with: "You are worthy!"
Powerful words: I'm worthy!
The only problem with these words is that: I don't know what they mean. Worthy of what? On what scale of things? Am I worthier than a criminal or a normal person? Does my past entitles me to some life goods that I am not aware of? Or are we all equally worthy, just in different ways?
I give a lot of attention to myself, ever since I started working on my emotionally crippled soul. I fear that all the love I can give myself, will never replace the love I don't receive from others. What do I expect from others, anyway? What does it feel like to be loved/accepted? Does it feel like ice cream on a hot day, or does it feel as overwhelming as hate, only in the positive way? Ultimately, aren't we all looking for love, abused or normal people? Aren't we, the abused ones, competing for love with the normal people?
A lot of anger and hate came out of me lately and sometimes I fear I could never offer anything in return for love. I also fear that people could realize how mean I can be, with my snappy come backs ( that, I personally think, are hilarious). I don't know how to fit in my victim past with my day to day functional self. There are many gaps in my personality. One moment I can be invincible, and the next I could crumble into pieces, because most of life is new to me. I'm living everything for the first time. With emotions. Much like a baby, it feels like I was born yesterday. My fragile self mixes in with the survivor self, who knows how to pull through hard times and is too wise for its own good.